100 days of practice - week 4
Burn out
This week was tough. I keep trying to come back to focussing on the contents of my practice, rather than practice psychology type posts, but it’s been a psychologically challenging week. Every day had what felt like new and unique challenges, but also none of them felt like they should be affecting me so much. On Friday school closed because of a red alert storm. I was SO excited to be forced to stay home and have all my plans cancelled, even though they were all things I was individually excited about. Then on Friday, after crying in my zoom lesson while my teacher told me I was doing a good job and there was no need for me to be so stressed, it hit me that I’m feeling a bit burnt out. It made the past week make so much more sense. I feel surprisingly vulnerable about posting this, usually I’m a very open book but when it comes to burn out, the first thing to happen is my imposter syndrome kicks in. She tells me things like “you’re not working hard enough to be burnt out”. I’ve been thinking a lot about this, because although that isn’t helpful thinking, it is true that I haven’t been any busier than I was in term 1, and my rational brain does actually know that there’s not anything particularly stressful happening. Some theories:
Decision fatigue, and New Year’s resolutions
I LOVE setting goals and reflecting and I feel really good about the goals I set at the start of this year. They’re things that are truly helpful and important to me. But we’re not even a month into the year, which means I have at least 3 new things I’m trying to change in my life. They aren’t habits yet, which means that it takes conscious and intentional decisions CONSTANTLY. One of them is to really create a better relationship with my phone, which means constant evaluation of whether the way a}I’m using my phone is helpful or harmful. Exhausting. It’s worth it, and it’s working, and I will keep doing it, but is something that I hadn’t considered could contribute to burn out.
Monday - day 20
Total time - 3 1/2 very average hours
Returning to routine. I was up at 7, practicing at 9. The day ended up filling up more than I expected - quartet rehearsals and performance keeping me busy for most of the day. I managed to spend 3 1/2 hours in practice rooms - and I was practicing most of that time but not very well, so don’t think. I was a bit aimless and unplanned. I found this frustrating and felt a bit exhausted and low at the end of the day, but with a bit of clarity realised it’s probably just what Monday is like, especially after a big project last week and breaking routine in the weekend. Reminder to self (and all) to be patient and kind to yourself. I’ll try again tomorrow.
I wrote in my practice notes: find technical solutions to musical ideas, and vice versa - musical ideas for technical problems.
Tuesday - day 21
Total time: no idea.
After feeling a bit unsatisfied with Monday’s practice I re-committed to the point of these 100 days - to really be thoughtful and focus my practice. For me, this often looks like talking to myself in the practice room a lot like a bit of a nutter, but saying things out loud (in a calm and objective voice) really makes a difference.
I thought about Monday and that it was not as unsuccessful as it felt - I still did a good amount of practice, and the time that was not practice was productive quartet rehearsals, breaks (eating, resting), and spending time with friends (building and strengthening relationships is actually often my top priority. Music is social for me, if I have no friends there’s no point).
Wednesday - day 22
Day off to a rocky start - a lot of intense emotions about non-viola related things, but nonetheless had an effect. Our quartet had a soft and comforting rehearsal - Bach chorales and a scale in thirds and some improv, then ran the third movement of our Beethoven quartet. It felt gentle and nice to make some easy, nice music with friends.
I escaped to the gym and that routine felt good.
Today’s revelation is that it takes a little bit more time and patience than I expect EVERY time when I’m trying to heal from little patches of feeling down.
Thursday - day 23
Did an hour of practice in the morning and felt unbelievably exhausted. Did some score study, then improv/practice with the 2nd violinist in my quartet, which was lovely but I was still tired. Felt lost and aimless, found Celia and we sat in the most awfully lit practice room in the whole world and despaired about the concept of having to practice our instruments. Ended up sight reading Mozart duets and analysing the Bach violin sonata she’s learning which was surprisingly fulfilling and fun. News hit that school was closing and we rushed to the library to borrow a DVD player and 6 DVDs.
Friday - day 24
Burn out realisation hits. I had a lesson, my teacher gave me a pep talk, and I called one of my quartets to organise rehearsals. It felt like a COVID lockdown. I felt simultaneously inspired and motivated and still exhausted and resentful towards uni work. I did a couple hours of practice and called it a day.
Saturday - day 25
Very much the same as Friday. Went to the gym and did a little practice, but felt low energy and a bit wobbly.
Sunday - day 26
Woke up with a sore throat and tired mind and body. A little relieved to be sick because I know how to handle that - rest and lemon honey drinks and patience and kindness towards myself. Went to the Southside for a quartet rehearsal and dinner. Felt good to be with friends <3
Where now?
My priority is rest - getting out of sickness and burn out always requires even more patience and self-compassion than I ever anticipate. I accept that it may take longer than I’d like to come out of this.
