100 days of practice - week 9
I had notes from my practice this week up until Wednesday then kind of gave up and looking back, they don’t really summarise my week. I feel a bit lost as to how to explain this week. On paper it was busy, lots of symphony rehearsals and in any free time rehearsing string ensemble or quartet, while desperately trying to get ahead on learning my recital rep and preparing for my lesson. The highlights were my morning off on Tuesday - went and had brunch in the Southside with Clarke which was actually just total bliss, and an afternoon off from Symphony on a sunny day. We moved our sofa futon thing into the sun, read our books, and went for a run. These moments of just existing as a person away from my viola have really carried me this week.
But amongst the busy-ness of the week I’ve been thinking big picture. What do I want from my life and career? This morning especially I felt like I don’t have much of a life outside of the admin of being at school. I don’t know what to do with time off, I feel like don’t have non-study related goals (which isn’t actually true, see above examples). It does indicate maybe a bit of imbalance, though. Creativity has been pushed to the side in order to just get everything done. I’ve also been working away at scholarship applications which don’t help with those feelings. Even my future study and career plans are reduced from dreams to a 500 word application. Shoutout to anyone else doing funding applications by the way - if you feel awful and like you hate trying to sell yourself as a product you aren’t alone. Lots of things to think about and discuss here, maybe one day I’ll expand on this in another post. Man, money is awful.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about the kind of musician I want to be and work with. I’ve felt a bit uninspired, despite working really really hard to give myself fully to the projects I’m in. I’ve been really lucky in my life to meet and work with so many musicians who really get it, and are so committed to being curious and creative and excited and enthused. I’ve been spending a lot of my time scheming how I can surround myself with a really sound community of people like this, and hopefully inspire others.
I guess big picture there’s a lot of work happening with not much reward, which is always a hard season. It feels like there are so many things wrong in the world, and trying to contribute positivity and beauty and joy is a bit futile. I guess in that way it’s just hard to know what to say right now. Despite all this uncertainty, I don’t feel lost. I actually feel incredibly resolved and motivated to keep trying to find solutions, and keep trying to make art. I feel confident that being an artist is a valuable thing to contribute to the world, and that my attitude towards it is positive and helpful. I know more and more every day what I want from my own life and my career. I think tonight I’m going to do some sort of reflection tonight - some collage or scrapbooking or journaling or tarot reading or something. Take control a bit, maybe.
