Reclaiming space and finding joy
As I make pretty clear, I have a lot of opinions about issues of sexism and racism in classical music (and the world). I think it’s important to talk about them. However, I’ve been trying to balance these discussions with finding the joy in music again for my own mental well-being. Through countless rewrites and reflections on this topic, I’ve come to think that finding joy is just as politically and personally important as discussing “serious” issues. After having some really bad experiences with sexism especially, finding joy has been a way for me to reclaim my creativity and freedom. I want to emphasise that this is a small insight into my process, and I don’t want to imply that anyone who has faced discrimination shouldn’t discuss it in the ways that help them. It is important for me, however, that I find a way to reconcile my relationship with music as we continue to make deep systemic change because it could take a while.
Recently I was called to play as a casual for the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra, which was my first time back in a traditional classical music setting this year. I took it as an opportunity to really challenge myself in finding joy, creativity, and freedom in my personal practice and then applying that in rehearsals and performances. I made a conscious decision to show up and occupy that space. In order to prepare myself, I had to establish a new and improved relationship with practice (when I was also working a full-time job), make time to engage in other music that is moving, joyful, and thoughtful, and reflect on my relationship with art, both past and present.
I have always had a tumultuous relationship with practice, and I think this is a really common experience. We are so vulnerable in the practice room while we try to improve and self-criticism is a necessary part of the process, but I’m prone to being overly self-critical. While preparing to play with the NZSO, I had to rebuild my fundamental technique after being out of practice. After a few months off, I honestly was so excited to get back into it. I knew there was the potential to become stressed and critical of myself, but I knew that I would learn so much about how far I have come. It was true, I really enjoyed practising, and working hard at something I care about. I felt really privileged to get to spend time with my instrument while simultaneously learning so much about myself as a person, which I think is one of the many cool things about being an artist. I focussed on practising in ways that made me feel comfortable and at ease, which is really difficult. I kept myself curious about the sounds I could make and the ways I could improve, and how I was feeling, which really helped me from becoming too judgemental. Practice became a really fun and exciting part of my day, which it had never been in the past.
Every day, as well as practising I was thinking about the conversations I have had about music. Ultimately, there are no set solutions to my two main problems: how do we implement change to improve discrimination in classical music spaces, and how or where to find joy in a space that has hurt me in many ways. I’ve taken things from the interviews on live laugh lemon that Leah, Ben, Martin, and Hayden have said to guide me. I was having daily conversations about the process with my flatmate and boyfriend. For instance, before performances, I have started asking myself who I am performing for. Thanks to Leah and Ben I think a lot about what is important to me as an artist, and I’m working on having clearer convictions about the art I make. I’m inspired by both Martin and Hayden’s attitudes toward learning and their curiosity. These conversations, and having my own strong community of artists made me feel prepared to throw myself back into an intense musical space. Everything about our artistic processes is subjective, and everyone’s paths are so unique, which is why the interviews on live laugh lemon are really important to me, and this process is just as necessary as practice for me.
I mentioned that I made time to engage in music that is meaningful. In the past, while I was studying, I didn’t feel like I had time to go to gigs, and sometimes felt so over-stimulated from practising all day that I didn’t feel like listening to music. More recently, I’ve felt like in order to find joy and inspiration I have to engage with art and music around me. I went to three gigs during the time I was preparing for NZSO: Richter City Rebels, Violet Hirst with Marty G and strings, and Seth Boy Orchestra. These were all amazing experiences in different ways - Richter City Rebels was so joyful and fun - an opportunity to dance with friends. Violet Hirst’s performance was so beautiful and created such a personal atmosphere between the performers and audience. It was really moving and she had so much love and joy for the music she was performing. The Seth Boy Orchestra played Seth’s Wayfinding Suite, which Seth wrote about his experience as an immigrant in New Zealand. It was absolutely incredible - and the context of the pieces made me think about my relationship with space and belonging. The whole experience reminded me of that feeling of when you’re a kid and your imagination just completely runs wild, and it was really freeing. I really admire Seth for finding joy and creativity out of some really intense experiences. I also watched many videos of musicians completely in their element, NPR tiny desks and Cory and the Wongnotes especially (man, that guy has really found the joy).
This year I’ve been reflecting a lot on the musical spaces I occupy. Some spaces, like Poneke Classical Sessions, are easy for me to be present in. (For those who don’t know, Pōneke Classical Sessions is a concert series that my friend Leah created, with weekly sessions at the bar Bedlam and Squalor.) This year I’ve performed at Pōneke Classical Sessions twice, and both have been really beautiful and healing experiences, which I think has really set the foundation for me to start building my new and improved relationship with performing. The community there is so incredibly supportive, and it really feels like my community, because Leah has been able to create a space that aligns really closely with our values. I find more traditional spaces, like orchestras, more difficult. I love aspects of orchestral playing, I love being a part of a large team, something that’s much larger than myself. However, orchestras have some really dodgy histories of exclusion and discrimination. The Vienna Philharmonic only allowed women into the orchestra in 1997, and that attitude is still around. One of the players literally joked to my face that orchestras were better when women weren’t in them. After having experienced discrimination, sexism, and harassment in these spaces, frankly, I haven’t wanted to be there. For a long time, I felt excluded and like it was too hard for me to show up and exist as myself. Choosing to play with the NZSO was really monumental for me, and I really believe that I’m making positive change personally and politically by just showing up and being myself - by being actively present, and showing up and finding joy. It’s becoming more and more apparent to me that choosing to show up and be present in spaces is powerful. Or maybe it’s more like choosing to hold space for yourself wherever you go. It’s not as easy as it sounds.
As I have been building live laugh lemon, I have struggled with figuring out how to strike a balance between joy and seriousness, big groundbreaking pieces of writing and chill conversations between friends. It’s a natural instinct, I think, to want to have all the answers and be able to present these to others, but I think that everything I’m discussing doesn’t have an easy answer. Art is subjective, our experiences are diverse, and the issues we are dealing with are immensely complicated. It’s important to really open yourself to others’ experiences, which is what art does best. I still don’t really know how to make the most of the space live laugh lemon has created, but I think that just holding space for these discussions is important.
