100 days of practice - week 12
This week included my BBCSSO placement, an identity crisis, and remembering I have free will.
Monday - day 76
I mentioned that this was the first day of my BBCSSO placement and our Cavatina audition. The placement went fine - I learnt my music enough to feel comfy, and I’m lucky to have had enough orchestra experience I don’t find it very stressful or nerve wracking. I actually quite enjoyed the chance to play with strong musicians and getting to focus an extra brain cell on musicality and energy.
Cavatina audition was SO fun - as a group we really committed, connected, and gave it our all. I was so proud of us for all the work we’ve put in and how much we improved. It was SUCH a relief when it was over. We found out later that evening we didn’t get through, which I was relieved to find didn’t upset me. I genuinely was in it more for the education than the competition, and it felt good to know we did a great job but that they were looking for qualities we didn’t have. It reminds us that music is subjective and that’s the whole point.
Tuesday - day 77
A full day at BBBCSSO - I held up well again, felt confident in my playing. We finished early so I went for a walk to the Glasgow Necropolis, a beautiful cemetery on a hill nearby. I was feeling frustrated that rehearsal had taken so much of my energy. It reminded me that, although I do occasionally really love orchestral playing, often I find it draining and it leaves me with little energy for the things I want to prioritise. Anyway, my walk was refreshing, and was a nice way of spending time with myself.
In the evening had my mentor group meeting for Benedetti Foundation and had a really lovely chat about our place on the music industry and confidence. It made me realise I was feeling pretty rattled about it all, and that actually my confidence 2as feeling a bit shaken. Not in my playing, so much as my identity and what is important to me, what I want to do, who I want to be. I felt a little stifled by the intensity of competitions, assessment, scholarship applications, trying to prove myself all the time.
Wednesday - day 78
Another full day at BBCSSO - my last day. Again, I enjoyed using rehearsal time to try and improve my playing every time - focussing on some aspect of technique or musicality or ensemble. I tried to really stay engaged the whole time.
Finishing BBCSSO meant I was finally free of my obligations for the week (except a couple last rehearsals and my lesson). I spent the evening untangling myself from my music identity and made a video scrapbook of my Christmas holiday with family. (If you’re interested, you can watch it here, it’s unlisted on YouTube).
Thursday - day 79
Only obligation today was a very chill rehearsal with the accompanist at school - an hour to slowly piece together two movements of my saxophone sonata. It was collaborative, creative, and generally a really nice rehearsal. Our flat went on a lunchtime trip to hear my friend/quartet’s cellist play a beautiful gig full of feel-good trad music which genuinely went a very large way to healing my burnt out crisis about being a musician. We tried 4 different items from Gregg’s, shared an Irn-Bru and went charity shopping. It started to feel like the holidays. In the evening, Clarke and I put on trad/trad inspired music and played along (or tried to, some of it was way too tricky).
Friday - day 80
Practiced quartet music for next week, speed learning one each of a Haydn, Mendelssohn, and Shostakovich quartet. I ate the best breakfast roll I’ve ever had in my whole life, went to my lesson, recorded with my quartet, hung out with a friend and went to viola class. I felt good all day.
I decided I’m in my rebrand era, which is less of a rebrand and more of a remembering I have free will. Just thinking about the fact that every day I can do my hair differently, wear different earrings, or completely change an aspect of my personality made me feel like change is sometimes out of my control, but there are things I can do to embrace it.
Saturday - day 81
Our flat went on a massive hike up a big hill. 6 1/2 hours of walking, an hour of sitting in a pub at the bottom with a half pint and 3 bowls of chips, train rides playing codenames and sleeping, all created a day off from music and from thinking about normal life things.
Sunday - day 82
That brings us to today! In the ultimate act of remembering I have free will Clarke and I rearranged all the furniture in our room. I practiced my quartets for next week, when I’m on an island with a new quartet made up of friends and colleagues from my school, and we’re preparing and playing three quartets, AKA, The Dream. Practice felt good and easy and like I knew what I was doing. I felt confident, excited for the coming week, and like I know who I am again. It’s getting warmer, the days are getting longer, it’s officially spring, and next term doesn’t look nearly as busy. I think things are getting easier and easier.
Lots of love!
