behind the scenes - embracing the off season
Here are some thoughts about being uninspired/unmotivated.
It’s the first week of winter (officially, but it’s been cold as for ages). I actually really enjoy parts of winter, especially in the northern hemisphere. I loved watching the leaves turn orange and fall and now I can appreciate the silhouette of tree skeletons against a bright blue winter sky. I like getting all bundled up and recently bought a particularly fluffy hat that brings me endless amounts of joy. I use seasons as a metaphor a lot, they’re an important part of my way of both understanding and accepting the phases of life. Right now my inner season is one of being a bit uninspired and aimless, an off-season one might say. But I think, just like how winter is the perfect season for soup, mulled wine, and sitting around a fire, there are things that this season provides that are really important and can be really enjoyable, if you don’t try to make it something it’s not.
A couple weeks ago I finished all the things I’d been working toward since the start of term - 4 auditions and a competition - which all went really well. So well that I conquered performance anxiety problems that have been really hindering my performances since the beginning of my undergraduate degree. I felt much more in control on stage than I ever had, and got results in these performances that reflected that. Huge success!!! But completing such a huge goal and the lack of something to work towards has meant this season that has followed is a bit of a dip in inspiration and motivation. Big picture I know I have a lot more progress to make and more performances to work towards, but I believe in celebrating wins, and going with the seasons, so I’m taking this natural dip in energy as a chance to regroup. Time in the practice room has gone down, and I’m looking in other places for that flame - the spark, passion, drive, inspiration, etc.
The first perk of these seasons is they make you realise how easy things have been lately. It’s been pretty easy to get into the practice room at 9 am, and easy to do the work I need to. In this off-season that’s been trickier. I’m trying a new approach, which is actually just letting myself slow down, rather than expect the same levels of productivity all the time. Complete acceptance, without any fear that I’ve fallen off the wagon and will never get back on. Obviously, some disclaimers to be made, I still have rehearsals and lessons to prepare for, and because I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, I have to do a certain amount of preparation and practice. But apart from that, I’m sometimes letting myself say “I don’t really want to practice” and then just not.
Like eating soup in winter, I know what nourishes me and what doesn’t. I know that I fill my cup so that I have energy to practice, and that practice frankly, depletes resources. Talking to or playing with friends, going to gigs, going to the gym, etc all fill my cup. I’ve been practicing doing the things that interest me, and noticing when things DO inspire me. These are skills that are quite hard to cultivate, I think. There are so many “shoulds” that it becomes hard to find clarity. Anyway, I’ve noticed that I like the idea of things like learning bass guitar, or playing Bach chorales on the piano, or playing with friends, so have found ways to pursue that. Sort of like that line in the Mary Oliver poem “you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves”
This little behind the scenes is intended to hold space for the less spectacular parts of life, especially as Facebook is flooded with achievements and accolades. On theme, I really struggled to find the spark to write this - and on theme, I’m practicing letting that be. As I tend to feel in these seasons, I’ve been worried that this post has no profound conclusion, or inspiring takeaway. Instead it is just reflection, a little love letter to the quieter, more mundane aspects of the life of an artist.
